Listen to the podcast episode: Could I Get a Little Validation Over Here?
Have you ever found yourself caught in a frustrating back-and-forth with your partner, where every response feels like a competition of who’s had the harder day? You’re not alone. Many couples fall into a pattern of invalidating each other—often without even realizing it.
Why Do We Invalidate?
Invalidation happens when one partner, feeling unrecognized or overwhelmed, responds to the other in a dismissive way. This can sound like:
- “You think your day was hard? Let me tell you about mine.”
- “That’s not even a big deal compared to what I had to handle.”
This cycle doesn’t start because we don’t care—it often begins because we feel invalidated ourselves. We crave acknowledgement for our struggles, but instead of expressing our needs vulnerably, we respond defensively with invalidation.
Meet Raj and Brynn: A Common Story
Raj and Brynn, a busy couple with three kids, constantly juggle work, parenting, and home life. One evening, Raj came home exhausted from a stressful day of meetings. Hoping to check in, he asked Brynn if she had scheduled the kids’ dentist appointments. Instead of a simple answer, Brynn shot back with frustration:
“Sure did—along with cleaning up after everyone, handling dry cleaning, and picking up all the sports gear left around the house.”
Raj, already feeling drained, reacted with sarcasm:
“Oh, so we’re keeping score now?”
What started as a simple question turned into a tense exchange where neither felt heard, and both walked away frustrated.
What’s Really Happening?
Instead of acknowledging their own struggles vulnerably, Raj and Brynn invalidated each other’s experiences. This cycle is common, but it can be broken.
Here’s how:
1. Learn to Recognize Your Own Feelings
Before reacting, take a moment to check in with yourself. Are you feeling overworked, underappreciated, or exhausted? If you don’t pause to notice your emotions, you’ll likely express them in a way that sparks conflict rather than connection.
2. Address Resentment
If invalidation is a pattern, there may be unresolved resentment in your relationship. Do you feel like your needs have been dismissed in the past? Have you stopped expressing them because you assume your partner won’t listen? Addressing these underlying feelings can help make space for more vulnerable conversations.
3. Take the Risk to Be Vulnerable
It’s scary to change the way we communicate, especially if we’ve been hurt before. But to break the cycle, we have to risk being honest about our emotions. Instead of reacting with defensiveness, try saying:
- “I had a tough day and was hoping for a little support.”
- “I know you’re stressed too, but I really need to feel seen right now.”
4. Shift the Communication Dynamic
When conversations start to spiral, use this framework to turn things around:
- Listen for Invalidation – Notice when you or your partner dismiss each other’s feelings.
- Identify the Underlying Emotion – What’s the deeper need or feeling driving the reaction?
- Express It Directly – Instead of listing tasks or comparing hardships, share your real emotions.
- Acknowledge and Course Correct – If the conversation has already gone off track, take a step back and reset.
What This Sounds Like in Practice
Instead of escalating into a conflict, Raj and Brynn could have handled their evening like this:
Brynn: “Raj, I came in really hot when you got home. I realized I was carrying frustration from my day, and I took it out on you. I had plans for some downtime, and when it didn’t happen, I felt drained and overwhelmed.”
Raj: “Thanks for saying that. I wasn’t very nice either. My meetings today were rough, and I was already discouraged. I shouldn’t have responded that way.”
Brynn: “I get that. And for what it’s worth, I really do appreciate everything you do to help keep us going.”
By recognizing their emotions and expressing them openly, they move from invalidation to validation—creating space for connection instead of conflict.
Bringing This Into Your Relationship
If you and your partner struggle with invalidation, try these steps:
- Pause before responding and check in with your emotions.
- Consider whether past resentment might be shaping your reactions.
- Practice expressing vulnerability instead of defensiveness.
- When invalidation happens, stop and reset the conversation.
Breaking the cycle takes effort, but the result is a relationship where both partners feel heard, valued, and supported. And that’s worth it.
Want to Strengthen Your Relationship?
If you and your partner struggle with these patterns, we’re here to help. Check out our online resources or reach out for coaching support at Couples Counseling for Parents. Let’s work together to build a stronger, more connected relationship.