*this blog adapted from Couples Counseling for Parents The Podcast Episode 92: I need you to stop needing me
Parenting can feel like an all-consuming, never-ending cycle of meeting needs (this is not to say that parenting is not wonderful and special). But when one partner feels like they are the default caretaker—not just for the kids, but for their partner too—resentment builds, and the balance of the relationship suffers.
Meet Paul and Tasha
Paul and Tasha have a full, busy life. They both work full-time, they have three kids, and Paul is an engaged father. He doesn’t leave all the parenting to Tasha, yet she still feels like the default parent—the one who carries the mental and emotional load of the household. Tasha is the first person the kids go to when they need something. “Mom, I need new shoes. Mom, what’s for dinner? Mom, where’s my dance bag?” And it’s not just the kids—Paul also turns to Tasha for his needs. “Tasha, today was brutal at work. Tasha, do you know where we put the grocery bags? Tasha, we should spend some time together this weekend.”
Over time, this never-ending stream of needs makes Tasha feel overwhelmed, unseen, and exhausted. When Paul asks what seems like a simple question—“Where did you put the grocery bags?”—it triggers a full-blown argument.
Tasha: “Maybe if you went grocery shopping every once in a while, you’d know!”
Paul: “Whoa! I was asking because I’m going to the store!”
Tasha: “Great, Paul. Am I supposed to be super grateful? While you do that, I’ll plan dinner, help the kids with their homework, and do everyone’s laundry.”
Paul is confused. He doesn’t understand why Tasha is so upset. But Tasha isn’t just frustrated about grocery bags—she’s overwhelmed by the mental load of constantly carrying everyone else’s needs without feeling supported herself.
The Hidden Stories We Carry About Needs
Tasha and Paul aren’t just dealing with a logistical problem. This is about the stories they’ve learned about needs—what it means to have them, express them, or fulfill them.
Many women, especially mothers, are socialized to believe they exist for others. From a young age, girls are often expected to be helpful, accommodating, and self-sacrificing. Meanwhile, boys are often raised to be independent, to have their needs met without much thought about who’s meeting them.
Paul isn’t trying to make Tasha feel overwhelmed. He’s simply acting from his own unconscious beliefs about how needs are managed in a family—beliefs shaped by how he was raised.
Tasha, on the other hand, has been taught (implicitly or explicitly) that she is responsible for managing everyone else’s needs. And until they talk about it, this invisible dynamic will keep playing out in ways that cause frustration, resentmen
The Real Solution (Hint: It’s Not Self-Care)
When couples hit this breaking point, the go-to advice is often:
• Tasha just needs a break! More self-care!
• Paul should help out more! He needs a to-do list!
• Tasha should stop over-functioning and let things fall apart!
But none of these truly address the deeper issue. The real solution is for both partners to understand and take responsibility for their histories with needs.
• Tasha needs Paul to recognize that she didn’t choose this burden—it was placed on her.
• Paul needs to actively work against the unconscious patterns that make Tasha feel like the default parent.
It’s not enough for Paul to simply respond to needs as they arise. He has to anticipate them. He has to shift from helping Tasha to partnering with her in the invisible work of running a household.
This means:
✅ Instead of asking, “Where are the grocery bags?”—Paul takes the initiative to figure it out himself.
✅ Instead of reacting to the kids’ needs as they come—Paul proactively thinks ahead about what they’ll need for the week.
✅ Instead of assuming Tasha has it covered—Paul asks himself, “What can I do today to carry this burden with her?”
Changing the Conversation
A true shift happens when couples start talking about this dynamic with curiosity rather than blame.
Here’s what that conversation might look like:
Paul: “That argument got heated. I think you’re angry.”
Tasha: “Yes. I feel like everyone comes to me for what they need, but I have nowhere to go with my needs. It’s exhausting.”
Paul: “Do you not believe that I want to support you?”
Tasha: “I believe you want to, but I don’t feel like you wake up each day thinking about what I might need. I have to ask. But I wake up predicting what everyone else needs. I’d like to feel like you’re doing the same.”
Paul: “I don’t do that. I react when someone tells me what they need. I don’t predict.”
Tasha: “Right. But when you don’t, that means I have to. There’s no world where someone isn’t thinking ahead about all these things. If you don’t, I do.”
This moment is where Paul’s awareness starts to shift. He realizes that when he doesn’t take on the invisible work of managing needs, Tasha doesn’t get a choice—she has to do it.
The Path Forward
For many couples, this is a major turning point. It’s not just about splitting chores or making to-do lists. It’s about undoing deeply ingrained patterns that tell women they exist to meet needs and tell men they don’t have to think about them.
For real change to happen:
• Tasha must actively work against her own tendency to assume responsibility for everything. She has to say, “No, I’m not taking this all on myself.”
• Paul must move from passive support to active engagement. He has to stop waiting for Tasha to tell him what’s needed and start seeing the needs himself.
This isn’t a one-time fix—it’s an ongoing process of awareness, communication, and intentional action. Because at the end of the day, a healthy partnership isn’t about one person helping the other.
It’s about carrying the weight together.
If you want more scripts and examples of how dialogue that can help you and your partner resolve common conflicts, check out our book Too Tired to Fight: 13 Essential Conflicts Parents Must Have to Keep Their Relationship Strong