*adapted from podcast Episode 93 of Couples Counseling for Parents-Good Sex? An Interview with author Dr. Candice Nicole Hargons
When parenting and partnership collide, one of the most common challenges couples face is maintaining intimacy. That’s why we were thrilled to sit down with Dr. Candice Nicole Hargons, sex expert, award-winning researcher, and author of Good Sex: Stories, Science, and Strategies for Sexual Liberation. In our latest podcast episode of Couples Counseling for Parents, Dr. Hargons shared her insights on sexual wellness, body confidence, and the importance of ongoing communication about sex in a relationship.
Why Good Sex is a Practice, Not a Performance
One of the biggest takeaways from our conversation with Dr. Hargons was her emphasis on seeing sex as a practice, not a process you learn and master one-time. Many of us grow up believing that we’re supposed to just “know” how to have good sex—whether through experience, media, or cultural expectations. But in reality, good sex evolves over time with practice, especially in long-term relationships and through different life stages.
Dr. Hargons explained that sexual desire and arousal naturally ebb and flow, particularly as couples navigate parenting. She encouraged partners to approach their intimacy with patience, curiosity, and an understanding that good sex isn’t about meeting a cultural ideal but about creating something unique and fulfilling together.
Communicating About Sex: How to Handle the Hard Conversations
A major hurdle for many couples is talking openly about sex. Dr. Hargons broke down three common fears that often prevent honest conversations about sex:
- Threat to Self: The fear that admitting a change in sexual preferences or ability means something is “wrong” with you.
- Threat to Relationship: The worry that talking about sex could lead to conflict or even rejection.
- Threat to Partner: The concern that your partner will feel hurt, inadequate, or defensive.
Her advice? Make it meta. Instead of avoiding the topic, name the fear before diving in. For example, “I want to talk about something related to our intimacy, but I feel nervous because I don’t want to hurt your feelings.” By setting the stage for open, compassionate discussion, couples can navigate even the most sensitive topics together.
Body Changes and Intimacy: How to Reconnect with Yourself and Your Partner
For many parenting couples, changes in body, changing feelings about body image and physical comfort can create new challenges in the bedroom. Dr. Hargons shared her own experience of navigating body changes postpartum and emphasized the importance of self-compassion. One strategy she uses is affirmation in action—saying kind things about her body even when she doesn’t fully believe them yet.
Partners can also support each other by acknowledging and appreciating each other’s evolving bodies. Instead of ignoring changes, she recommends celebrating the things you love about each other. Whether it’s the way your partner’s eyes light up when they see your child or the new strength in their arms from carrying a toddler, finding and voicing appreciation fosters both emotional and physical intimacy.
Emotional Connection and Sex: What to Do When You Feel Like Roommates
Many couples report feeling more like co-parents than romantic partners, which can take a toll on their sex life. Dr. Hargons reminded us that sex isn’t just about physical connection—it’s deeply linked to the different types of intimacy we experience. She specifically mentioned emotional and intellectual intimacy and gave these examples:
To reignite that connection, she suggests small but meaningful interactions:
- Sending a song that represents your mood for the day (emotional intimacy)
- Sharing a short text about how you’re feeling (emotional intimacy)
- Creating space for reading together or listening to intellectually stimulating podcast together (intellectual intimacy)
These micro-moments of intimacy help rebuild the intimacy foundation that makes sexual connection feel natural and enjoyable.
Where to Learn More About Sex and Intimacy
For couples who weren’t given the tools to talk about or explore their own sexuality, Dr. Hargons recommends turning to reliable sex educators and resources. Some great places to start include books like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and podcasts like Sex and Psychology. Our podcast Couples Counseling for Parents is a great resource too. By learning together, couples can create a new, shared understanding of what good sex means for them—not what the world tells them it should be.
Final Thoughts: You Are Worthy of Good Sex
Perhaps the most powerful message from our conversation was this: Couples don’t have to want sex, but they deserve to have good sex if they do. There’s no “right” amount of intimacy or specific way it has to look. What matters is that both partners feel seen, heard, and valued in their relationship.
If you’re looking for more guidance on improving intimacy in your relationship, we highly recommend picking up a copy of Dr. Hargons’ book Good Sex, available wherever books are sold. And, as always, if you’re enjoying Couples Counseling for Parents, be sure to follow, rate, and review the podcast so we can continue bringing you conversations that matter.